Finding Gratitude

At a price too high

I had this thought today while I was driving back from school drop off,
Death takes.

It takes the people you love

It takes the world you knew before

It takes you, even when you’re still alive; it takes the version of you who knew life without death and its footprints

It takes time away for a while because everything is foggy

It takes a toll on your relationships

It takes your memory

It takes moments away from you

I don’t remember years of my life after June 24th 2021.

It is a life guzzling taker.

I hear a lot of dialogue about how death - or grief - gives you so much.
It gives you meaning, purpose, love for life, depth for life.

All of those things are true and available, but all of those things need to be received by the one who has already lost so much.

That person needs to either stay open through all the taking of death or that person needs to figure out how to reopen in order to receive what death has to offer.

I think we should spend more time having compassion for how much openness you need in order to receive the harsh lessons.
It takes a lot of time to sift through the harsh edges of death to get to the lesson, which is gratitude.

And death only offers its lessons after it comes and takes you for everything you have, once you’re kneeled over on the floor begging for it all to end,
That’s when you will learn,
how grateful you are for the feeling of the cold terrazzo floor on your cheek, helping you breathe.

Death has what to give and what to offer if you manage to not only survive its theft but also manage to choose.

You have to choose to live in order to receive.

So yes, there can be purpose and meaning in your life after you lose people you love, but there will never be purpose and meaning in losing people you love.
That missing and pain and empty that sits in the air around you, is just so sad, bitterly sad.
Cheek on cold terrazzo floor type of sad.

And somehow I’m grateful to be here.